2009-07-09, Earth PST

09:13. My legs aren't rubber. I worry... Will my love for Kia cease so suddenly and arbitrarily like I have observed in this camp? And as I worry, I shed not a tear...

[...]

I was just bestowed my blue rag. Part of the way [to the ragger's point] we were blind folded. I cried be hind the veil at the end... Praise given personally. I'm not sued to that sort of thing at all. Even Kia hadn't given me such praise certainly. not to say we didn't enjoy each other's company! It's just... there was no need for praise. There was only love and friend ship, and conversation and comfort.

This camp is so interesting. So many foreign visitors! I've all ready given Shion my address. I'm thinking about becoming pen pals with Quencin, he looks like a very interesting person. But, being a coward, I would rather stow the invitation in his hat than actually go up to him. A possible transcript:

Hello! Sorry about taking your hat. But I'm too nervous to talk to you face to face, in front of any one. I'm a coward, aren't I?

Sorry, I can't tell you my name right now. Yes, I must be a coward. But we've crossed paths. Now you probably have your suspicions on my identity, don't you?

If you can... Will you send me mail? I'd love for us to become pen pals. Here's my address:

It's OK if you show this letter to your friends.

Sincerely yours,
an acquaintance!

But I would have to get his hat.

All so, lunch is taking place right now. For a while I've been finished.

2009-07-08, Earth PST

It's been some time since break fast. We've organised the cabin while Jenna and Shannon were away. I did more than half of the work... Ach, these girls are pigs! You call that neat? I would probably faint upon entering any one's room! Excluding Danielle. Ach! Ach ach ach!

Last night I fell a sleep be fore attending devotions [night time cabin group talk]. According to a certain anecdote, the whole cabin was a frenzy searching for me. And finally, some one shone the flash light on my head. My lack of a pillow, is with out a doubt, partially to blame for the panic.

[...]

I want to forget—forget every thing! But I can't. All would've been for naught. I don't want Kia to have died in vain. But I want to forget...

He's not here any more! He will never come back. Should I ever be cursed to wander for eternity...

[...]

It's.. 14:05? I've calmed down and quelled all suspicions with my voice and solemn nonchalance. I won't forget, nor do I desire to. But at this rate, I'll break done with in a matter of minutes...

I can't feel it now, but I've shattered so much. I suppose what I have is a cancer of sorts.

[...]

On the beach; mandatory. And again Justin, an older boy with dirty blonde hair, is speedo kid. He really can cheer any one up. But where is he now? Less than a minute a go he was by my side. Wash room?

We finished dinner. And coming soon is the prom; I'm not going with any one. What would happen if some one asked me to dance with them? Well, we'll just have to see. Still yet I am not the optimist.

[...]

Aaach! She sprayed me with perfume! And it smells bad... Too strong... Very noxious! Luckily I yelled and dove for my sleeping bag. Other wise I would have vomited.

[...]

The dance was terrific! I had fun the entire time. Initially, I thought, "It's fun but I would enjoy my self more reading." How wrong I was!

Nearing the end of the dance a young French boy caught my eye. Or, at least, all the girls surrounding him. Very youth full, and of course, still taller than me. Oh, the younger girls round him were treating him like a child! Wait, no, like a puppy. They made him do the most absurd things for their entertainment! I tried to help teach him how to dance, very fun. His name is "Quencin."

My legs are sore. Next morning I'll find rubber in my sleeping bag, I'm sure of it...

2009-07-07, Earth PST

Woke up, dressed for pyjama break fast, took yoga, went to assembly [referred to as "Morning Inspiration"]. Turns out PJ break fast was a mistake; it's actually crazy hair break fast. The boys didn't get the memo. Well, no one did except for those at yoga. All most all [boys] came in either boxers or boxer briefs. It was a sight to behold...

After break fast Jenna started asking me about Daniel, and, whether I thought he was cute. Kept it cool, but it turns out Jenna her self has been struck by love for Daniel. She's asked me to do recon' for her. Right now all the counselors are in a meeting. They've got a high vantage point—damn! But may be they won't look at the life jackets [I was be hind the racks] very much.

Fun. But I've teased him so much that his doubts will be on me. I've got to allay that some how... And I'm not confident in my skills at angling juicy tidbits out of older gentle men (but what sort of adolescent should be?). Ach.

All so, this was a bade time to go to camp. Luna is practically full and she's setting the whole sky a light. It's not so much of a nuisance, but it would be nice to see more of our cosmic neighbours.

[...]

They came out. And so did Squall [director's labradoodle]. I used him as an excuse to get close. Daniel didn't know his name, only wears his cap when it's sunny, and seems to enjoy it when I call the thing "stupid." Unfortunately these little tidbits are [according to Shannon] of no use to Jenna. She should've told me earlier she wasn't the obsessive type.

[...]

We came back from tide pooling. I spent too much time combing. I think I more than irritated my counselors with the time wasting. I'm so childish. Thinking about it really saddens me. I want my Kia back... Oh, Kia! A long lost friend that I never had, never existed.

Kia. Every time I think of him I am saddened. I've been told to forget him [by mother], but... The only thing that frees my mind from thoughts of him is coldness. Not even music...

Numbing my self is the only escape. There are other ways a side from freezing, but my being clings to life so much. I think I am a coward. No, I am sure of it. And ultimately, I am repulsive and unlovable.

Child hood. I am but a weeping child. I'm not such a great person as people perceive me to be. Who could love some thing so grotesque? Shame, fear, and anxiety are all I have. I don't even have my self! Unreliable and wretched is all I am.

Tears. These aren't tears. The wind blew dust in my eye, I'm fine. And as I say this, my voice comes out uncracked, unscathed...

Hmph. I've cried so much I've exhausted my salt reserves. It has been so for all most three years.

[...]

We just finished lunched. I tapped a lunching Daniel on the shoulder and informed him of Jenna's feelings. I don't know if he took me seriously or not.

I've got a mild head ache from all of the ruckus [from my cabin mates from cranking up their music so loud]. Augh! Oh, if only I had a blunt object, and no self control what so ever! I'd—!

I can't even clean the cabin, not with that noise. Oh! I feel like weeping! But in stead I'll cover my ears and sing quietly.

[...]

Camp fire has ended, and the day is following closely. Luna was partially blocked; I think I saw part of the Milky Way! We all so saw a satellite.