2009-06-05, 23:42 Earth time.

I hate my father. Though my family may believe that it is my medication (Lexapro) that has lightened my spirits, truthfully I believe it is because of my diminished contact with my father since seventh grade, when it reached the breaking point and I was institutionalized for two weeks. For a while I used to hate him because he spent more time with his remote-control planes than his family, but now I thank the hobby for driving him away and consuming so much of his time. Still, I wish I could never see that man. I hate him. Whenever I think of him hatred consumes me. Whenever I write, it is impossible for me to put any father in a good light. The fathers in my stories are always negative characters. They almost always end up dying by the hands of the main character, or at the very least they die and the main character enjoys it thoroughly.

I don’t need Lexapro. But unfortunately, my family needs that man. If only we didn’t depend on him for income and for driving! If only I had an older brother who sheltered and protected the family. Mother’s fine but she’s a bit of a hypocrite and she’s lied to me before. It’s unforgivable. But I partially forgive her for not being able to stand up for that odious husband of hers. In the Philippines women had no control over anything. Plus, that man has always been, since I can remember, the one upholding the family. Or at least his money is. I hate him. I wish I could support myself. I wouldn’t burden this family with my disappointments and I would never have to face them again. Paying taxes and washing your own laundry is a small price to pay for freedom. Freedom…

I like the cold. When I’m cold, that’s when I’m most comfortable. I had a nonexistent companion with me, ever since sixth grade and until seventh grade when my father ruined it all. Whenever he and I were alone, and he comforted me, it was cold. It was always cold. That’s why I like the cold so much. It reminds me of him… But then I cry. I want to see him again. I’m crying right now. He was always there, I could tell him anything. But he’s not here anymore… To deal with it, I lean my back against a hard surface, and then I remember his chest. His soft voice, warm eyes… But since his eyes were emerald green and had a sparkle to them, they were also sharp, piercing. I loved those eyes. They were beautiful eyes. And his raven black hair! It was so soft, just like the wonderful down of some wonderful bird. Were his hands cold? No. They were neither cold, warm, nor hot. They were… Can you imagine being able to feel but not be able to sense temperature? Whenever I felt his hands, they were like that. Temperature didn’t matter, and it never has.

Father doesn’t care about Rasui. He went outside for a long time, leaving the front door open… I was distracted, I didn’t see until it was too late and he went out. That man! That horrible man! If anything he will be the end of my last beloved one… It’s dark, and there are coyotes outside. They even wander the park at night. And they’ve eaten pets… Will he stay on the walls? Will he stay out of fights? I would go out there and look for him myself, but I know for sure he would see this as a game. All cats do as they please. And frequently, what they please is not agreeable with really anyone else but themselves (“Rasui! You know I can’t chase you from the tops of the walls bordering the properties like that!”). But any cat that’s been properly bred and raised will always be a social cat. My Rasui loves absolutely everyone he’s met, except my father and the vet’ (temperature taken through the bottom end). Even so, Rasui even plays with the neighbour’s dog! I’ve seen the neighbour’s dog before. He’s very, very, cute, and has quite long fur. To see them playing! I want to see that.

It’s cold. Sometimes, it gets to be too much for me to handle, and I try to shut down, like I’m doing now. It’s easy to shut down, but in the initial stages, I get scared. Sometimes I’m afraid I’ll lose myself and all of my emotions permanently. And then, in the final stages, those worries dissipate. And I stay like that for who knows… But I’ve got someone to love now. So as long as I have that, I’ll never shut down permanently.

But when such emotions have no more purpose… I’ll really shut down, I think. Surely some day I’ll shut down like that. And that man will no longer be such a bother…

I think the consciences of humanity will come together, if we live long enough to develop the technology. Telepathic technology? You think and the recipient receives the messages. And when it comes to sending signals, our brains are pretty fast. If we could send whole ideas, and feelings in that small amount of time… Think. As long as we can depend on the technology we would have no need for voices. As long as we keep progressing like that and don’t somehow kill ourselves (humanity, it must be said, excels at killing itself), maybe Tesla’s predictions will come true and we will become unified. Of course, there still has to be some sort of competition to keep us moving forward… But who says it has to be violent? Why not the competition of technologies for consumers? And then someday, maybe whole planets, races even, will compete so.

But when everything is unified, what will happen then? If everything becomes perfect, what will happen then? What if such a creature has evolved to savour competition and only competition, and when we reach what will happen then?

Oh. Now I see. The next two things would be acquiring all the knowledge of the multiverses and somehow preserving ourselves for whole eternity, wouldn’t it? But wouldn’t it be a lonely existence? Maybe, we would create something, since by then we would be gods in our own right. We would create something have done everything we can. I now understand the gods… I don’t think the ones who created the “first” gods thought like this, but there is something that both most gods and most mortals seem to share; the need for companionship.