The H Diary

2009-07-09, Earth PST

2009-07-23T15:06:00.000-07:00

09:13. My legs aren't rubber. I worry... Will my love for Kia cease so suddenly and arbitrarily like I have observed in this camp? And as I worry, I shed not a tear...

[...]

I was just bestowed my blue rag. Part of the way [to the ragger's point] we were blind folded. I cried be hind the veil at the end... Praise given personally. I'm not sued to that sort of thing at all. Even Kia hadn't given me such praise certainly. not to say we didn't enjoy each other's company! It's just... there was no need for praise. There was only love and friend ship, and conversation and comfort.

This camp is so interesting. So many foreign visitors! I've all ready given Shion my address. I'm thinking about becoming pen pals with Quencin, he looks like a very interesting person. But, being a coward, I would rather stow the invitation in his hat than actually go up to him. A possible transcript:

Hello! Sorry about taking your hat. But I'm too nervous to talk to you face to face, in front of any one. I'm a coward, aren't I?

Sorry, I can't tell you my name right now. Yes, I must be a coward. But we've crossed paths. Now you probably have your suspicions on my identity, don't you?

If you can... Will you send me mail? I'd love for us to become pen pals. Here's my address:

It's OK if you show this letter to your friends.

Sincerely yours,
an acquaintance!

But I would have to get his hat.

All so, lunch is taking place right now. For a while I've been finished.

2009-07-08, Earth PST

2009-07-23T14:54:00.000-07:00

It's been some time since break fast. We've organised the cabin while Jenna and Shannon were away. I did more than half of the work... Ach, these girls are pigs! You call that neat? I would probably faint upon entering any one's room! Excluding Danielle. Ach! Ach ach ach!

Last night I fell a sleep be fore attending devotions [night time cabin group talk]. According to a certain anecdote, the whole cabin was a frenzy searching for me. And finally, some one shone the flash light on my head. My lack of a pillow, is with out a doubt, partially to blame for the panic.

[...]

I want to forget—forget every thing! But I can't. All would've been for naught. I don't want Kia to have died in vain. But I want to forget...

He's not here any more! He will never come back. Should I ever be cursed to wander for eternity...

[...]

It's.. 14:05? I've calmed down and quelled all suspicions with my voice and solemn nonchalance. I won't forget, nor do I desire to. But at this rate, I'll break done with in a matter of minutes...

I can't feel it now, but I've shattered so much. I suppose what I have is a cancer of sorts.

[...]

On the beach; mandatory. And again Justin, an older boy with dirty blonde hair, is speedo kid. He really can cheer any one up. But where is he now? Less than a minute a go he was by my side. Wash room?

We finished dinner. And coming soon is the prom; I'm not going with any one. What would happen if some one asked me to dance with them? Well, we'll just have to see. Still yet I am not the optimist.

[...]

Aaach! She sprayed me with perfume! And it smells bad... Too strong... Very noxious! Luckily I yelled and dove for my sleeping bag. Other wise I would have vomited.

[...]

The dance was terrific! I had fun the entire time. Initially, I thought, "It's fun but I would enjoy my self more reading." How wrong I was!

Nearing the end of the dance a young French boy caught my eye. Or, at least, all the girls surrounding him. Very youth full, and of course, still taller than me. Oh, the younger girls round him were treating him like a child! Wait, no, like a puppy. They made him do the most absurd things for their entertainment! I tried to help teach him how to dance, very fun. His name is "Quencin."

My legs are sore. Next morning I'll find rubber in my sleeping bag, I'm sure of it...

2009-07-07, Earth PST

2009-07-23T14:38:00.001-07:00

Woke up, dressed for pyjama break fast, took yoga, went to assembly [referred to as "Morning Inspiration"]. Turns out PJ break fast was a mistake; it's actually crazy hair break fast. The boys didn't get the memo. Well, no one did except for those at yoga. All most all [boys] came in either boxers or boxer briefs. It was a sight to behold...

After break fast Jenna started asking me about Daniel, and, whether I thought he was cute. Kept it cool, but it turns out Jenna her self has been struck by love for Daniel. She's asked me to do recon' for her. Right now all the counselors are in a meeting. They've got a high vantage point—damn! But may be they won't look at the life jackets [I was be hind the racks] very much.

Fun. But I've teased him so much that his doubts will be on me. I've got to allay that some how... And I'm not confident in my skills at angling juicy tidbits out of older gentle men (but what sort of adolescent should be?). Ach.

All so, this was a bade time to go to camp. Luna is practically full and she's setting the whole sky a light. It's not so much of a nuisance, but it would be nice to see more of our cosmic neighbours.

[...]

They came out. And so did Squall [director's labradoodle]. I used him as an excuse to get close. Daniel didn't know his name, only wears his cap when it's sunny, and seems to enjoy it when I call the thing "stupid." Unfortunately these little tidbits are [according to Shannon] of no use to Jenna. She should've told me earlier she wasn't the obsessive type.

[...]

We came back from tide pooling. I spent too much time combing. I think I more than irritated my counselors with the time wasting. I'm so childish. Thinking about it really saddens me. I want my Kia back... Oh, Kia! A long lost friend that I never had, never existed.

Kia. Every time I think of him I am saddened. I've been told to forget him [by mother], but... The only thing that frees my mind from thoughts of him is coldness. Not even music...

Numbing my self is the only escape. There are other ways a side from freezing, but my being clings to life so much. I think I am a coward. No, I am sure of it. And ultimately, I am repulsive and unlovable.

Child hood. I am but a weeping child. I'm not such a great person as people perceive me to be. Who could love some thing so grotesque? Shame, fear, and anxiety are all I have. I don't even have my self! Unreliable and wretched is all I am.

Tears. These aren't tears. The wind blew dust in my eye, I'm fine. And as I say this, my voice comes out uncracked, unscathed...

Hmph. I've cried so much I've exhausted my salt reserves. It has been so for all most three years.

[...]

We just finished lunched. I tapped a lunching Daniel on the shoulder and informed him of Jenna's feelings. I don't know if he took me seriously or not.

I've got a mild head ache from all of the ruckus [from my cabin mates from cranking up their music so loud]. Augh! Oh, if only I had a blunt object, and no self control what so ever! I'd—!

I can't even clean the cabin, not with that noise. Oh! I feel like weeping! But in stead I'll cover my ears and sing quietly.

[...]

Camp fire has ended, and the day is following closely. Luna was partially blocked; I think I saw part of the Milky Way! We all so saw a satellite.

2009-07-06, Earth PST

2009-07-23T14:25:00.000-07:00

Ach. The hand writing of my previous entry was just horrid. Compared to my usual, at least.

We had lunch a while earlier. Our counselors say it's 14:10.

First activity, to day, was kayaking... It was my first! It was perfect, even with the frigid water and capsising. I partnered up with one of my counselors, Shannon. We pursued hand-some blonde counselor Daniel. His navy base ball cap was dry, and I say it was God's will to drench it! I blamed my OCD.

We're waiting out side the arts and crafts room. We're going to do our cabin flag.

[...]

Just got back. In stead of a skull and crossed bones is a splattered, scribbled mess with [our] cabin members' names printed nearly at the bottom. In hind sight it's a pleasant irony. But I didn't have hind sight at that time.

We moved to the water front just now. I suppose for relaxing. I'll read my book, I Will Bear Witness.

[...]

It's around 16:30. Still at water front, still reading. Shion, a Japanese exchange student [I had met and befriended earlier], greeted me. She went into the ocean, and I watched. Guilt, immense guilt. I look at her not just as an older sister figure... No! Guilt, guilt, and only guilt! I don't think such love is wrong, but... I am afraid for her, for some reason. Hatred directed at my self...

She's so innocent. Well, I my self wasn't so innocent at eleven, but... Love is an agonising thing.

So much of the joy from looking at her is completely chaste. So why!

[...]

It's night. Camp fire activities have just concluded. I sang up there... Standing ovation. Matt, the director, even went down on his knees, going, "Ali Baba" repeatedly. I was shocked. I thought I sounded terribly nervous! And yet all this praise...

Unsurprisingly, no one recognised the tune. After all, how many Americans are even aware of the existence of a Dutch film industry?

Voor een Verloren Soldaat. So poignant...

2009-07-05, Earth PST

2009-07-23T14:13:00.000-07:00

It's past noon, I think. The waters here [at Catalina Island] are exceptionally clear. It really is paradise, except for the cacti and general dryness of the grass. But, all is well, and the wind is oh so calming.

The trip was serene, and, aside from the vomiting of my shipmates (strangely looking at the stuff helped stave my sickness), was perfectly pleasant. The rocking of the boat, instead of being an irritant, was quite enjoyable. It's so much fun walking on the deck! And as we "drifted" farther from the harbor, the waters became bluer, greener, and so much more verdant! Water and grass are so similar in that aspect.

The air here is so clean One who has not experienced this can not possible imagine how much so. I've lost a great deal of my depth perception due to the cleanliness of the air.

[...]

It's the end of the day, I have no idea of the time. The stars! Sun has not even fully retreated from the mountains and yet I can see more stars than at the optimal time at my residence. How I wish the sky would darken!

We took swimming tests today. The pier planks were white hot. A permanent staff member hosed down the surface. Temporary, yet worth while relief.

The lights have shut off at this point. I am now writing by the night's light. I can actually see quite well...

I passed the lice check at the docks and jumped in to frigid ocean. Instantly my goggles filled with water. I was blinded and taken by surprise. I had to be kayaked to the rocky shore. I was given an other chance. I could get back in line if I wanted, or do a retake at some other time.

The trek to the pier from the bridge while bare footed was hell. I came back with a wrist band allowing me to go to the water front with out a life jacket. It was worth it.

Oh, the things I do for me ego!

It's very cold, and [it's] darkening. I saw the Big Dipper earlier. I await the Milky Way...

2009-06-22, 22:38 Earth PST

2009-06-22T22:38:00.000-07:00

My family and I (excluding my father, as usual) are going to see Transformers 2 on its premiere, which is two days from now. We’re going at the very first showing, which begins at 00:00 2009-06-24. Really, even though my two little brothers are only eight and seven. It’s their first time going to a movie on “premiere night.”

Megan Fox is so hot. We were talking about her body, which led to, “Mom, you’ve come a long way, but you can’t call your self beautiful just yet.” And then she went on about how Angelina Jolie and Megan Fox are beyond most women’s league… “Those two should star in a movie together,” she said. “Making out” was my reply.

I’m so happy when my father’s not around. Just so happy… Damn our dependence on his income. If only…!

For the past few days, I’ve been watching this movie over and over again. It’s called… I’m hesitant to name it. The last thing I want, aside from my death, a sudden war, et cetera, is for yet an other label to be slapped on me yet again. Saying I don’t like disagreements is an under statement… Oh, the movie was so beautiful and realistic. It had so many little wonderful details that truly made it a snap shot from 1945 Holland to me. And the two leading actors were great, really superb. I was really touched by their performance, and not many things touch me. One of them, I believe he was twelve or thirteen during shooting… He must be at least twenty-eight by now. I’ve been Googling him, but I can’t seem to find him any where! It’d be terrible if he wasn’t alive right now, I think. He was so talented and charismatic, and he was honestly beautiful. His grey eyes, beautiful face, flawless porcelain skin, honey blonde hair, sculpted body, and lovable ears… Not to mention his lips would give Angelina Jolie a run for her money! That boy was a doll. What does he look like now?

That movie really touched me on a personal level. I all ways connect to the characters of a well written movie, but their thoughts as they struggle with life’s obstacles I usually never under stand. But now, as I reflect on my self, I under stand why this movie moved me so much. Your closest friend being taken away from help less you, the anxiety, the fear, the loneliness… Of course the movie moved me. But to think a movie that was so tangible even existed! And now, I can’t bear to watch the ending of that movie. I just can’t. It may be only a movie, but to me, it’s just too close to home.

Even now, long passed that incident, when my father’s around, some times… Some times I think about my own friend. I wish, no, I pretend he’s here. Even though he never was… But he was, I swear! Those hugs, that voice, those eyes, the warmth, the talks, our memories… How can I, of all people, say he wasn’t real? I can’t forget the smiles and the love and the happiness. I just can’t. And if I did, I would’ve lost my sanity and even my life long ago.

Our love was Platonic, but even so, I don’t think I will ever fall in love. There’s only one person for me, and he never existed, and never will.

2009-06-17, 21:35 Earth PST

2009-06-17T21:34:00.000-07:00

Mrs. Moore let me off. Though I have three weeks of math still missing… she just did an average. The mean average. And I got a B+! Three weeks missing and I still got a B+! I’m so happy.

Summer is here. Now I can finally focus on my piano and Japanese.

2009-06-16, 07:58 Earth PST

2009-06-16T07:58:00.000-07:00

I hate music. It all ways moves my soul. Now I’m certain. It was music that tore me from the void. If I were only deaf…

2009-06-16, 07:37 Earth PST

2009-06-16T07:37:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is the last day of school. I still have three weeks of work to go.

I HATE my mother, all ways berating me… Stupid woman, don’t you know anything? Haven’t you noticed we’re having to learn algebra BY OURSELVES? At the best I can see the math tutor only once a week! That is not nearly enough for…

Ach, what ever. I can’t believe I’m crying again…

It used to be so easy! Why did I have to have that revelation? Why do I have to know nothingness? In 7th grade, a little more than a year ago… I could’ve ended it all. Yes, I definitely could have. I didn’t have that revelation. Nothingness was not something I feared, because I had no comprehension of it. And now… Now I’m afraid! Why am I afraid? Why can’t I forget it? I want to forget it, so I can just die. So much pain could’ve been averted if I had just ended it then and there! I knew nothing about the nothingness! And now… Oh… I have all ways been a coward. Have I all ways been a coward? I have all ways been a coward.

No… I know a way out. I have to empty myself again. All emotions will be gone. Can I do that? It’s like becoming the nothingness itself? Can I muster the courage to do that? And if I am able to empty myself and become a void, I’ll really have no will to live. I know. I’ve done that before. Of course, this was before my revelation… As to how I broke from it… I don’t remember. I don’t remember at all. But thinking back on it, that’s how it’s supposed to be. I take in everything and process nothing.

2009-06-15, 05:19 Earth PST

2009-06-15T05:19:00.000-07:00

It’s all most summer. My God, it’s all most summer.

I feel there are several things I must explain about myself.

You may have noticed that how I spell words is a bit unorthodox… At least to this period. The reason? I personally detest compound words. English is complex as it is all ready! Must we go further and confuse people with the word “throughout” and the little hyphens we see in words here and there? Of course, that is my opinion. I’ve all ways been a bit of a purist… I wonder if other languages have this problem?

The other thing I must explain about myself is that I, as every person who has used the Internet, have several different aliases. I’m not entirely sure why I feel like I must confess to this… But by now, you understand that the Internet has changed humanity for ever, yes? Freedom, freedom! Except for our IP addresses and what ever personal details we reveal about ourselves, we can be any one at any time at our wish. As customary, I have lied about my age. Another thing I have lied about is my sex. Though… I guess it really isn’t a lie. Ach, society has such rigid definitions of what a man or a woman is! Sure, it’s not so rigid as it was before, but still… Biologically, I am female. But I feel nothing like I think most other females do, other than attraction to the opposite sex. But of course, I am bisexual… Not that I chose! Many people in this day and age say you can choose who to fall in love with. I think that is dead wrong. You can choose who to marry, who to make love to, but you can never choose to fall in love. If that were true, I would’ve fallen in love with myself a long time ago and gotten it over with.

Bah. Some day, if humanity survives long enough… Some day humans will look back, and think, “How barbaric! Were people that ignorant and stupid? How is it possible?” We look at racism like that, but even so, it’s still here. Posterity may think itself to be innately superior, but it is my opinion that a human is a human. Any human, even psychopaths, at least have the capacity to dislike. I don’t think psychopaths dwell too much on it, is all. The foundation of the future is the past…

Tomorrow. It’s the end of school. The end of school! I’m worried about finishing up my algebra, though. I have three weeks of work left and only this one day.

I won’t be getting any sleep today.

2009-06-11, 23:33 Earth PST

2009-06-11T23:33:00.000-07:00

I don’t know why I feel so friendly and sociable right now. Relatively, at least. Dad (I called him “Dad!”) just returned home from work. I greeted him, asked him about work, were there any interesting cases, no, it was fine, not too busy. It’s not as if I don’t like this “truce,” but… it’s awkward. Like a very useful third arm that no one really notices but you.

I’m thinking. The first thing I’m probably going to do when I get the Sims 3 is to build a house. Or maybe kill a sim. Thinking about it, I’ll probably do the latter… I want to see all the ways they can die. It’s not because I’m that much of a sadist, but their deaths are always comical and tragic at the same time. I remember in the first Sims… I had a penchant for setting off the fireworks inside the house. That would always lead to a burning house. And then in the Sims 2, I started trapping all sorts of innocent passer-bys (and servants I’d hired) inside a room with a hot tub in it. I always gave them rotten food to it, and when I’d get tired of their conversations I’d stop giving them food. And I’d donate all the grave stones to the community cemetery.

It seems in the Sims 3 ghosts can appear during the day. Or what that just something done with a debugging “cheat”? Either way, I know the Sims 3 will definitely be fun, with all of its customizability and new pace and such. Oh, and a player has all ready made a Japanese school boy uniform! Or at least the top. Which is really all that matters. If memory serves me right, the uniform (for males) is called a “gakuran,” while the sailor outfit for girls is a “sailor-fuku.” Which literally means “sailor uniform,” anyway.

Thinking about sailor-fuku, I’m taken back to my days of watching Sailor Moon. I don’t remember much about it, but I do remember loving that show! And lucky me, I was so young I didn’t notice the horrid English voice acting. Ah, Sailor Moon… Damien, was it, that young man in the tuxedo wearing a white eye mask and never with out a rose? He’s the reason I have my fetish for formal wear. Even now thinking about him makes me all fizzy inside. A childhood hero you’ve always had a crush on…

Ah, good times.

I’ve had crushes on a myriad of other cartoon characters, mainly because of their intellect. Double D from Ed, Edd, and Eddy, that effeminate robot from Time Squad (why can’t I remember his name!), and countless others… And no, this Schindler’s list does not include Dexter, boy genius. I still have a crush on that effeminate robot… My heart’s giggling. I still like him a lot. I would kill just to get a full box set of that show… Only now are Western animated TV shows being regularly released on DVD. Hey Arnold! is on DVD, I have to get that one of these days…

On my birthday I will get For a Lost Soldier, the book, from my mother as a gift. I know this because I personally requested her for the book and she promised. But even I was taken aback by the price when I finally found the book for sale! 99.95 USD. Hardcover books rarely exceed the price of 11 USD. It’s because this book is so rare now that it’s this expensive… Out of print. When I get the book, I’ll surely type the entire thing out and release it onto the Internet for the benefit of those who don’t understand Dutch (and I doubt that book is still being printed there either). And, being the progressive individual I am… After I get that book, I’ll donate it to the library for future generations to enjoy. Well, after I archive it, of course.

While I’m at it I might as well get that science fiction book back from my school and type out all the stories, too. That textbook is probably out of print, seeing as it was printed before the 1980s. Ach, so old! But that’s not a bad thing, since all the stories are so wonderful.

Maybe, one day… I’ll get the DVD of the movie For a Lost Soldier, too. To find anyone willing to play the parts! Then again, I’m looking at this from an American point of view. For a developed country we’re the most conservative and religious, unwilling to accept change. Unless you live in a city. A city is dynamic, and everything is hustling, bustling, and changing, and for the people to keep up, they change, too. I only wish cities were beautiful… My idea of a utopia… My idea of a utopia is difficult to explain in words. But what’s not difficult to imagine is everything clean. Unless you live in a city like Detroit or Los Angeles, of course.

Rudi van Dantzig is still alive. He has to be at least a hundred and five!

2009-06-11, 13:44 Earth PST

2009-06-11T13:44:00.000-07:00

An hour or so ago, I returned from the dentist’s. A brace came off, which is why I went in the first place. I had imagined they would glue another one back on, but I was wrong. Instead, they took out all the braces and the metal wiring, and gave me a brand new set. I have a lot to learn about dentistry.

The wires are thicker, so there’s more pressure. Which means a faster process, but more irritation. But it’s not as if I can’t chew, like when I first had braces. I hated the first few weeks. Nothing hurt until you actually bit down on something. But this is fine.

This morning, there was a hideous haze, the dirty kind. Now it’s gotten cloudier. As my parents drove me back home, I looked up at the clouds. Bright, floofy, but you could see they were all ready a bit heavy. They were the kind of clouds that could release a sprinkle over an extended period of time. I wished for rain, and I still do now. I hate road trips by our mountains… They’re awesome, and grand, and gargantuan, and we dwarf them in every way. But they seem dead and decrepit. The trees are scrawny and have charred bark, the grasses dry and anorexic. Instead of the lovely flexibility grass is supposed to have, our mountain side “fields” are about as flexible as a tooth pick. And there are no more birds of prey like there used to…

It’s gloomy, but since it’s not raining, I’m starting to feel a bit sleepy. I think I’ll have a nap.

2009-06-09, 00:49 Earth time.

2009-06-09T00:49:00.000-07:00

I’m still awake, and have shifted my focus to US History. I have no intention of going to sleep before this work is done, regardless of what my father says.

2009-06-08, 19:05 Earth time.

2009-06-08T19:05:00.000-07:00

I did a stylized self portrait of myself. Have a look.

2009-06-08, 03:00 Earth time.

2009-06-08T03:00:00.000-07:00

As always I cannot sleep at all. Daylight makes me sleepy… Only at night am I vigilant. I’ve had to toil so much just to keep a diurnal schedule, and now it’s all falling down. But I wouldn’t care so much if it weren’t for that man… And society’s general lack of flexibility when it comes to those of a nocturnal schedule. Ach.

How many hours have I been singing in bed… I don’t know. It’s a miracle that man didn’t come into my room to yell at me. Perhaps my songs actually helped him to sleep, I don’t know. Either way, I’m glad he’s not awake. Now I can finish my algebra.

I wish I could go and marvel at the night sky. The moon is so bright! Oh, but aside from the light pollution it’s the only thing that can be seen in the sky. Not even the Northern Star can be seen through this damned mist. God damn you, civilisation! Or at least civilisation’s lack of sky-friendly lights. Why is the sky such a horrible yellow? Ugh! Those clouds might as well be composed of the urine of some unhealthy creature! I can expect that much from this part of the world. Smoke, smoke, smoke, smoke… Acid rain. It all most makes me happy that it doesn’t rain often.

I don’t even know what the stars look like anymore…

2009-06-07, 19:22 Earth time.

2009-06-07T19:22:00.000-07:00

I’m working on my algebra home work now. Algebra doesn’t seem too bad, looking back at it… It was only a lesson here and there that gave me such a difficult time. If only math’ lab (a “club” where Jay the math’ expert of Monte Visit helps students) was open 24/7. Or perhaps a live chat math’ lab, with pod cameras and such. Though I would need a camera…

2009-06-07, 02:38 Earth time.

2009-06-07T02:38:00.000-07:00

I did an experiment involving Rasui not too long ago, last night, around 20:00. I gathered two saucers, to small plastic cups, and some considerably smelly soft cat chow. I then put Rasui in the garage, where he wouldn’t see what I was going to do next. I spread some of the chow on the inside walls of one cup, and set it down bottom up on a saucer. I then put the chow onto the other saucer and placed the other plastic cup over it. The cup without the chow was significantly smellier with the chow on the inside walls, having more access to the outside air.

I set the dishes on the tile floor of our kitchen and let Rasui back in. He immediately went for the cup smeared with chow, but I held him back and commanded him to stay, which he did. I then pointed to the cup with the food on the saucer. He didn’t hesitate and went to said cup.

It looks like dogs aren’t the only ones that can follow human gestures. Even though cats may seem to be a bit more self-centered than dogs, they’re not. Or, at least Rasui isn’t. Everywhere I go (excluding the tops of walls and such), Rasui follows me, and it’s been like that ever since he was a kitten. When I use the computer, he rests nearby, often lounging on the scanner. Or behind the computer. He likes nooks and spaces. He also follows me if I go through my routine in the early morning, and not past noon; I use the bathroom, he waits outside, I flush and open the door for him to come in, I put on my contact lenses, he jumps on the bathroom counter, watching me. Then he and I both leave the bathroom at the same time, and he trots down the stairs past me, but looking back at me ever so often. Not to mention we sleep together, and when it’s not too hot we even spoon.

It was on June 9, 2008 that I adopted him from a pet shop in the Simi Valley Town Center (locals just call it “the mall.”). He was about two to three months old, said the young lady. She couldn’t name the breed. I guessed he was mostly American shorthair. The only thing that disqualified him was his kinked tail. Even now I wonder if that’s the reason he was given away… It turns out that more people have been dropping off their pets at the shop, since they don’t usually have that many puppies and kittens. All of the animals were very social, except, of course, the ones that were taking an afternoon nap.

When we were driving home, he was very scared. And very small, and scrawny, not like the pudgy-looking kittens seen in calendars and LOL cat pictures. All the pets in the shop, too, seemed healthy and not overweight. I kept him in my shirt. When I was about to enter the house through the front door, the garage closed. That spooked him thoroughly; he jumped up in my arms and scratched my right one, which bled slightly. But I wasn’t angry at all.

After some exploring and playing, I brought him up to my room since he couldn’t exactly climb stairs. He lied down on my carpet, and I lied across from him, petting him. Cats, they like it (being rubbed) under their jaw on either the left or right side. If cats had ears where humans had their ears, that special spot would be directly under them. All of a sudden, Rasui got up an flopped down like a ragdoll next to my belly. Maybe it was because my ears we close to the flooring, but by the sound of that thud I jumped to the conclusion then and there that his drop must’ve been painful. But my worries flew from me. He purred, and I could feel his little body heaving as he took his breaths. He fell asleep, and I wouldn’t dare move. Eventually, I fell asleep, too.

I don’t remember what happened after that. Maybe we had dinner? But we’ve been very close, ever since. I can’t imagine life without him…

2009-06-06, 00:16 Earth time.

2009-06-06T12:16:00.000-07:00

If the mortals constructed a Babel tower, what would we do?

2009-06-05, 23:42 Earth time.

2009-06-05T23:42:00.000-07:00

I hate my father. Though my family may believe that it is my medication (Lexapro) that has lightened my spirits, truthfully I believe it is because of my diminished contact with my father since seventh grade, when it reached the breaking point and I was institutionalized for two weeks. For a while I used to hate him because he spent more time with his remote-control planes than his family, but now I thank the hobby for driving him away and consuming so much of his time. Still, I wish I could never see that man. I hate him. Whenever I think of him hatred consumes me. Whenever I write, it is impossible for me to put any father in a good light. The fathers in my stories are always negative characters. They almost always end up dying by the hands of the main character, or at the very least they die and the main character enjoys it thoroughly.

I don’t need Lexapro. But unfortunately, my family needs that man. If only we didn’t depend on him for income and for driving! If only I had an older brother who sheltered and protected the family. Mother’s fine but she’s a bit of a hypocrite and she’s lied to me before. It’s unforgivable. But I partially forgive her for not being able to stand up for that odious husband of hers. In the Philippines women had no control over anything. Plus, that man has always been, since I can remember, the one upholding the family. Or at least his money is. I hate him. I wish I could support myself. I wouldn’t burden this family with my disappointments and I would never have to face them again. Paying taxes and washing your own laundry is a small price to pay for freedom. Freedom…

I like the cold. When I’m cold, that’s when I’m most comfortable. I had a nonexistent companion with me, ever since sixth grade and until seventh grade when my father ruined it all. Whenever he and I were alone, and he comforted me, it was cold. It was always cold. That’s why I like the cold so much. It reminds me of him… But then I cry. I want to see him again. I’m crying right now. He was always there, I could tell him anything. But he’s not here anymore… To deal with it, I lean my back against a hard surface, and then I remember his chest. His soft voice, warm eyes… But since his eyes were emerald green and had a sparkle to them, they were also sharp, piercing. I loved those eyes. They were beautiful eyes. And his raven black hair! It was so soft, just like the wonderful down of some wonderful bird. Were his hands cold? No. They were neither cold, warm, nor hot. They were… Can you imagine being able to feel but not be able to sense temperature? Whenever I felt his hands, they were like that. Temperature didn’t matter, and it never has.

Father doesn’t care about Rasui. He went outside for a long time, leaving the front door open… I was distracted, I didn’t see until it was too late and he went out. That man! That horrible man! If anything he will be the end of my last beloved one… It’s dark, and there are coyotes outside. They even wander the park at night. And they’ve eaten pets… Will he stay on the walls? Will he stay out of fights? I would go out there and look for him myself, but I know for sure he would see this as a game. All cats do as they please. And frequently, what they please is not agreeable with really anyone else but themselves (“Rasui! You know I can’t chase you from the tops of the walls bordering the properties like that!”). But any cat that’s been properly bred and raised will always be a social cat. My Rasui loves absolutely everyone he’s met, except my father and the vet’ (temperature taken through the bottom end). Even so, Rasui even plays with the neighbour’s dog! I’ve seen the neighbour’s dog before. He’s very, very, cute, and has quite long fur. To see them playing! I want to see that.

It’s cold. Sometimes, it gets to be too much for me to handle, and I try to shut down, like I’m doing now. It’s easy to shut down, but in the initial stages, I get scared. Sometimes I’m afraid I’ll lose myself and all of my emotions permanently. And then, in the final stages, those worries dissipate. And I stay like that for who knows… But I’ve got someone to love now. So as long as I have that, I’ll never shut down permanently.

But when such emotions have no more purpose… I’ll really shut down, I think. Surely some day I’ll shut down like that. And that man will no longer be such a bother…

I think the consciences of humanity will come together, if we live long enough to develop the technology. Telepathic technology? You think and the recipient receives the messages. And when it comes to sending signals, our brains are pretty fast. If we could send whole ideas, and feelings in that small amount of time… Think. As long as we can depend on the technology we would have no need for voices. As long as we keep progressing like that and don’t somehow kill ourselves (humanity, it must be said, excels at killing itself), maybe Tesla’s predictions will come true and we will become unified. Of course, there still has to be some sort of competition to keep us moving forward… But who says it has to be violent? Why not the competition of technologies for consumers? And then someday, maybe whole planets, races even, will compete so.

But when everything is unified, what will happen then? If everything becomes perfect, what will happen then? What if such a creature has evolved to savour competition and only competition, and when we reach what will happen then?

Oh. Now I see. The next two things would be acquiring all the knowledge of the multiverses and somehow preserving ourselves for whole eternity, wouldn’t it? But wouldn’t it be a lonely existence? Maybe, we would create something, since by then we would be gods in our own right. We would create something have done everything we can. I now understand the gods… I don’t think the ones who created the “first” gods thought like this, but there is something that both most gods and most mortals seem to share; the need for companionship.

2009-06-05, 00:36 Earth time.

2009-06-05T00:36:00.000-07:00

My family and I (excluding my father, as always) went to see the Pixar movie UP today. Needless to say, it was a great movie, and also quite tragic. Up to this moment Pixar’s never made a bad movie. Ever. Though I admit Cars was a bit disappointing. Still, compared to the rest of the family movie industry (at least the American one), Pixar’s top. Still, I can’t wait to see Studio Ghibli’s movie Ponyo of the Sea of the Cliff. It sounds a little bit awkward in English, but not so much in Japanese. Aside from Tales of Earthsea, directed by Hayao Miyazaki’s inexperienced son, Ghibli’s never made a bad movie either. Pixar and Ghibli are actually close friends.

What an entry yesterday, wasn’t it? I always get like that when I think of life… If I thought of life every day, surely I would go mad. There’s no doubt about it. But I’m afraid—if I don’t think enough about life, then surely I won’t live. I want to live. Forever.

Math’… Algebra, specifically. It’s very difficult, at least when you don’t have a tutor around. The book is written as if the student already knows how to do everything—it makes no sense! While I hate being patronised, I wouldn’t mind if being treated condescendingly would help me with my mathematics. That’s how much suffering I’ve been through with algebra. However, my mother says that geometry and trigonometry will be much easier and also quite enjoyable. I hope she’s right. We may share the same interests, but we’re still quite, quite different from each other. She doesn’t know even a quarter of me, and of that quarter of me, only a quarter is she similar to me.

For a while, I cried myself out at frustration. Then I just skipped the problem and moved on, feeling much better. I wish I could solve that one problem. But, my mother can’t help, my father’s can’t help, and all help pages I find on the Internet that pertain to what I’m doing are usually meant for college students.

My beautiful cat, Rasui, is sleeping on my bed as I type this. He played outside all day. He’s so beautiful… He’s a marbled tabby, not too fat, not too thin. His front and back paws are white, though in the back the white goes further up. His belly and his chin are also a clean white. As for the rest of his coat, it’s a bit difficult to describe… The base colour is a light brownish sort of thing, except it looks like it had just the tiniest bit of green mixed in with it. His markings are black, and as I’ve said, he’s a marbled tabby. He has mascara, and the characteristic tabby “M” on his forehead. His eyes are amber. His nose is black around the edges, and a dark carnation pink inside this black pale. Oh, and he has a kinked tail!

I don’t know what you think about cats, but in America there’s a misconception on just how friendly, playful, and adventurous they are. Friendly… Cats are altruistic, did you know that? We (Rasui and I) were playing rough once, and he went too far and gave me quite a gash on my arm. He was the first to see this, stopped playing immediately, and motioned as if he were going to lick it. Before he could, I picked up my arm and saw the huge gash. It wasn’t much of a bother. I just washed it off. I’ve seen cuts on people’s wrists before, and have met other people my age who’ve cut themselves. They say it took months for their scars to heal. Secretly, I wish my scar doesn’t heal. Though it may seem strange to other people, I’ll always treasure this scar. Rasui…

He’s also very cheeky. Sometimes, I see him outside our glass door leading to what small of a back yard we have. He sits there, meowing. And he knows—every time he meows, I come bounding down the stairs hollering “RASUI” as if I were on fire. And so I did just that, and opened the glass door. You know what that guy did? He ran into the bushes and started meowing again. It’s his version of “catch me if you can.”

Rasui really is a considerate guy. I ate some caramel candy once, and after that, he stole a piece from my mother and dropped it in front of me, giving a little “mow.” And he’s brought back many presents for me! Rats, mice, lizards that don’t have tails… And when there’s nothing to bring, he just gives me socks. Or hair ties. Though he usually steals my hair ties while I’m around, as he knows I’ll chase after him.

I should mention a few other things about myself. I love sketching, though I’m very nervous to do so in public. I also have a knack for singing, and I even was part of my middle school choir in the 7th grade. I can be an alto or soprano. I also love video games… Good ones, at least. So far my computer is the best in the house, but it could barely handle SPORE. What I would do for an Alienware computer… Oh, and I also love music. All kinds of music. I don’t have a favourite genre, and I like so many artists I can’t possibly pick out a favourite one. All I care about is whether the music is good or not.

Jumping and reaching for the stars vainly… I swear. Some day, I’ll reach those stars. And some day I’ll get decent binoculars…

Oh, and by the way, it hasn’t rained today. It dried up very quickly right after last night, though it wasn’t too hot. It was just right. Which is rare…

2009-06-04, 02:00 Earth time.

2009-06-04T02:00:00.000-07:00

But before I describe the day, I should introduce myself. My name is Abigail Cabal, and for those of you who have surmised I am female in at least one way, you are correct. I am biologically female. Though I don't feel I think exactly into the category of "male" or "female" when it comes to mind. This could be due to exposure to above-average testosterone levels while in the womb, which I am dead certain of as I was supposed to have two older brothers. Both of them were miscarried. I have no emotional attachment to them.

I am thirteen Earthian years old. I was born on July 24, 1995. I live in what is today Simi Valley, a growing town in southern California, a state in the United States of America. However, I was born of in Baguio City, the Philippines, and spent the first four and a half years of my life there. Those were happier, simpler times... Well, not that I'm not happy right now. It's just on average I was happier most of the time during my early childhood than I am happy living here.

It's a reasonable and modest house that I live in, two stories tall, three bedrooms, three bathrooms. Our garage has room for two cars. The house is certainly nothing to complain about, though anyone who has been inside and does not question the design and décor at least in the head I shall declare insane, or at the very least blind and blissful. The interior of the house isn't that bad but it's more than mediocre, especially to someone who has taken a course in Home Furnishings.

Let me describe the area. We have many great mountains, though they are all dry and partially barren. They are also brown, and not the mouth-watering brown of chocolate. No, it is a hideous, dead brown that goes in its own disgusting way well with the polluted sky. We can still see blue, but every day it is always hazy with the little particles of pollution we so emit with our cars. In the rare instances it rains the sky is cleared up, the dirt having gone down and seeped the soil with the rain itself. And the pristine sky only lasts for about a day. After that, it's back to haze.

When it's slightly foggy, and only up in the air, the scene is even more ugly. What a terrible sky to fly in! And, for better or for worse, this haze and fog obscures the deadness of the mountains. Either way, birds are a rare sight in Simi Valley. Or at least in the skies. Near the trees, near the gardens, near the fields, yes, but not in the sky.

My detestation for the soil of our sky knows no boundaries. Most nights only the brightest of stars are visible. That means only about fourteen, give or take, tiny, dim, specks of light are visible. Always in retrospect I always weep inside, but in the moment I always jump high and reach for the stars. They seem so close! These days it seems I am the only one who even acknowledges the heavens. Everyone is so caught up with everything else... And it's almost as if it never occurs to anyone that we actually have stars other than the sun in the sky until you mention it to them! My disgust for this attitude actually rivals my disgust at the ravaged skies.

I want my work to be with the cosmos, but I do not want to die so quickly, so early, so young. So, I have refrained from becoming a cosmonaut. Instead, I will become the next best thing—the person who programs a completely robotic cosmonaut. But to touch soil, to jump and test gravity, to be so close to it all... But I do not want to die, so my hopes rest on the future of virtual reality technology. I want to see it all through the eyes of a cosmonaut! To feel it all, to breathe it all, to take it all! Oh, what I wouldn't do for such an experience!

My thoughts on life and the universe… I think it is hard to understand for today’s “average Joe.” But, when I comprehended, or at least tried to comprehend, death, and the vastness of the universes, of space-time… I became a new person. I had been reborn. It was like being doused a refreshing pail of water, but at the same time feeling unimaginable trepidation. Relief and renewal at this new knowledge. Fear and anxiety at its implications. Of course, I underwent this metamorphosis while gazing up at heavens’ stars. I was thirteen.

When exactly had it been… I am not sure. But some time this year, or perhaps even late last year, my family and I went to vacation in Las Vegas. It was overall an unpleasant vacation (everything “family-related” headed by my father is always at the very least unpleasant). The vacation was not important. It was what happened on the vacation, which would inevitably happen some time in my life, was what I feel I should note.

Until that time, ever since I had realised the universe, I had aspired to build myself a robot, upload a copy of my brain onto a hard drive, and put that hard drive to use in my robot. But then, on that night in Las Vegas, while being driven back to the hotel, I realised something terrible. However many copies of myself I create, and however long they last, they will always be copies, individuals, separate from me…

This horrified for me, and for a while, I silently fell into despair, all the while putting up the façade of normalcy. But I recovered. Making copies of myself would not save me (but I would still do it out of obligation for posterity). No. Instead, I entrusted my faith in bionetic implants, and I have been entrusting it since.

As I type this… I have another revelation. A shared mind! Of course, I shared mind! A network! Yes, yes, those clones of me will be of use to me after all. My presence all across those clones and also located in me. It would be like gaining another, superior eye, and eventually losing the original, inferior eye to wear and tear. Yes! I shall survive, I shall! So long as the technology comes before my death and I can some how afford it.

Immortality. Many people say that they are content with their lives, and would be fine without have immortality. But wait, until they age, until they near death… They near it year by year, we all do. If they are like me, they would be driven to madness! Desperation! And perhaps I am mad. I feel no shame, but no pride in it. I am only happy to be alive, so very alive… I do not want to die. Anyone who has thought what I thought will never want to die. Even in the midst of torture, I would not give up my life. I want to live.